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heartbreaking letter from zane's mummy on his birthday

20/10/2015

70 Comments

 
Picture
I sit here penning this letter as a mother who grieves the loss of my son - my Zane who should be enjoying his birthday celebrations. For me Zane will always be 7, the rest was stolen from him.
 
"20 months since I promised that I would never give up, never get tired or defeated and would fight for the truth for the rest of my life if I must".


A very dear friend, Suella, sent me a message, which had the advice of an old man on dealing with grief.
 
'Grief comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you’re drowning, with wreckage all around you.  Everything floating around you reminds you of the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more.  And all you can do is float.  You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while.  Maybe it’s a physical thing. Maybe it’s a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it’s a person who is also floating.  For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive, although you don’t want too.
 
In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy.  They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath.  All you can do is hang on a float.  After a while, maybe months, you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall but they are further apart. When they come they still smash all over you and wipe you out.  But in between, somehow you will learn to survive. ‘
 
For us we know there is a huge brutal storm on the horizon.  Between the storms of Zane’s death, the endemic dishonesty and myth making of Carbon Monoxide, our fight to finally get the authorities to admit that ONLY Hydrogen Cyanide was found and next, the pending inquest next year.
 
My goals are tiny; they might be just to get through this letter or to the end of the day as I know that’s one day closer to seeing Zane again.  I dream about Zane and in the morning I lose him again as realisation hits.  If people did their jobs properly and put just a fraction of the money into testing the landfill as they have in the self-interested power exercised in trying to silence us, you could all sleep in your beds safely.
 
It has been 20 months since my precious child’s life was stolen from him and 20 months since I promised that I would never give up, never get tired or defeated and would fight for the truth for the rest of my life if I must.  We were called ‘hideous’ at the Coroners court by the Council’s barrister.  Are two grieving parents seeking the truth about their child’s death really considered hideous? Surely it is those very authorities that should be working tirelessly with us to unearth the source of this toxic chemical, an official weapon of mass destruction in our neigbourhood.  Yet no, 20 months on from Zane’s death and I sit here on what should be his 9th birthday, without a death certificate, without answers, without the opportunity to properly grieve for my child and you read this without protection. A pain that is without mercy, a pain that only comes from a love so pure, so strong as shared between Zane and I. We were best friends, completely devoted to one another.   The seven years we shared with Zane were the most profound and most significant of our lives. 
 
Never giving up, never giving in.
 
Zane’s mummy

70 Comments
tess
21/10/2015 01:58:24 am

so sorry for your loss

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Philippa link
21/10/2015 05:05:08 am

I have followed your heatr breaking story in the local press. So pleased you managed to get the admission it was Hydrogen Cyanide. Keep strong for next year's inquest.

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Victoria Everest
21/10/2015 05:53:20 am

This absolutley breaks my heart... Keep fighting.. We're all behind you 100% xxxxxx

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Sue Milner
21/10/2015 06:37:32 am

I met you on the 17th June at the Climate Change Lobby. I remember it so well. I was hot and bothered and uncomfortable in the hideous orange T shirt 38 degrees had asked us to wear to lobby our MP's. You walked up to us and asked if we would sign your petition which we did. All thoughts of myself swept away as you told us your heart breaking story. I have never forgotten you and your family. At the time of Zane's Birthday it must be harder for you than ever. Happy Birthday to him. Never give up. It is through the diligence of people like you that things change for the better.I an SO pleased that you at least have an inquest next year.Love to you and your husband.

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jo stubbs
21/10/2015 02:03:29 am

Thinking of you on Zane's 9th birthday. X

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ibrahim Adewusi
21/10/2015 02:50:23 am

A huge loss. We pray that you are granted the succour to bear this loss and the strength to press on for an inquest.

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Simon Dyson link
21/10/2015 03:24:29 am

Thank you for being so brave and selfless as to take on the authorities on behalf of protecting all our families in the future.

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Helen Annand
21/10/2015 03:26:09 am

Thinking of you at this time xxx

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Sue Huggins
21/10/2015 03:27:16 am

Nicole,
My heart goes out to you. I don't know what to say. I saw Zane with you 2 years ago at a carol service in Lyne, What a beautiful, lovely child. What a loss. He knows you love him.

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Kira
21/10/2015 03:27:24 am

It's so sad that this is still going on. 20 months and still no answers, it's not okay. My thoughts are with you all on Zanes birthday. Here to hoping you get the answers you deserve soon.

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Eileen West
21/10/2015 03:28:09 am

My heart goes out to you with my love,on this special day.As a parent,who has also lost my only daughter,at eight weeks,then to lose her,I was given a reason,cot death,,It must be awful for you sweetheart,not knowing..Keep up your fight,for Zane,He is with you in Spirit now..I live not far from you,I know that Council,They make a lot of mistakes,They cannot be allowed to get away with it.God Bless Zane and all your Family,love,Eileen.xxxxxxx❤️💐💐💐💐😢😢

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Nicole
22/10/2015 06:55:05 am

I am so very sorry for your loss. x

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Angela
21/10/2015 03:28:13 am

My thoughts are with you and your fight .

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Kathy Chappell link
21/10/2015 03:33:38 am

Dear Zane's mummy. I have been following your struggle with great interest, not only as a mother of old Georgian's but as one who lives in Wraysbury, we too are surrounded by landfill. This dishounesty with which the authorities are conducting themselves is nothing but shameful and surely must be illegal. Someone must be held to account. My thoughts and prayers are with you always. Yours, Kathy Chappell.

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Angie Payne
21/10/2015 03:34:35 am

I pass your house weekly, and can never drive past without thinking of your very said story. Please keep fighting , And i hope you get the justice you richly deserve.

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Rebecca Kaya
21/10/2015 03:35:56 am

This is to let you know we are with you both, and with Zane in your struggle for understanding and justice. We will keep on digging to uncover the truth about 'what lies beneath' as Zane looks down on us below. Bless you. You are in our thoughts and prayers.

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Cressy
21/10/2015 03:37:41 am

You are a very strong, brave lady. You don't know me but I live near you and think of your family often. Sending lots of love and prayers x

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Sharon & Family
21/10/2015 03:40:40 am

Remember you and your family on this sad day xxxx

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Lisa Johnson
21/10/2015 03:41:17 am

Thinking of you all today, but always think of you when we see Zane's little orange flowers around Chertsey.

Please let us know how we can help with your campaign.



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Nicole
22/10/2015 07:00:45 am

Thank you. Please help to raise awareness and get signatures to our petition using word of mouth and social media.

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Shelley
21/10/2015 03:42:25 am

I have never met you but I often think of you, my thoughts are with you & your family on this day, keep fighting xxx

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Rachel Sharman
21/10/2015 03:42:44 am

Im so sorry, you need the right answers and soon!! I remember Zane as a joyful boy who we sat with on the train to the para-olympics and Lily's first year at school at Laleham. You are both so brave and please don't ever give in, which i can tell you wont until you get the right answers, Happy 9th Birthday Zane x

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Josie Sillifant
21/10/2015 03:43:53 am

Hi Nicole,
I saw you on your drive the other day whilst I was visiting your neighbours. I remember Zane coming for tea whilst I was visiting just months before the floods came; Zane was a simply delightful little boy who was confident in the knowledge that he was loved beyond question by his Mum and Dad. I cannot write this without tears welling, and can only empathise for your loss. Keep fighting, draw strength from all your supporters, seek the truth so that no one else has to suffer the pain and loss that no parent should have to suffer. My heart goes out to you both xx

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Katel and family
21/10/2015 03:56:25 am

We are so moved by what happened. We never met but always have a thought for you and Zane when we pass your house. Keep fighting. We are behind you. Your courage is an example to us all.

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Mick Coughlan link
21/10/2015 03:59:07 am

Heart breaking - what can anyone say - nothing to help you deal with the loss or make it any easier - sorry.

We have been fighting a Council Scheme to build a housing estate on a former flood plain for the last 8 years. It is on former industrial site and the toxic soil has been mostly just covered with visqueen and top soil, we expect building of 148 family houses to begin next year. I often think about your experience and so by fighting for justice for Zane I hope we all may feel the benefit of protection from nameless jobs-worths who progress with plans against common sense and in many cases against the advice of those who know better. Best Wishes - Mick

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Pete
21/10/2015 04:11:22 am

RIP dear little Zane. Our thoughts and prayers with you all and thank you for keeping us updated.

Have you considered getting independent soil contamination testing done etc? As part of the campaign you could ask for donations if required.

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TruthAboutZane Team
21/10/2015 04:37:29 am

Pete, we are not allowed to enter the landfill with the necessary machinery and test the land ourselves unfortunately.

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Dianne
21/10/2015 07:50:43 am

If the land is "said" to be uncontaminated, why are they denying you access? Obviously they know the truth.

martine hooper
21/10/2015 04:38:31 am

We lived in the neighbourhoord and came and offered to help you during the floods, but you politely declined. We saw your husband standing in freezing water trying to brush it away in his front garden all day. That alone must have been enough, and 2 weeks later we heard on the news, and we knew right away it was your family. Cannot believe the tragedy and trauma of losing your son and a husband bound to a wheelchair on top of that...and then a massive two year battle to get some truths. I hope that lawyer was challenged on his comments.

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Marta
21/10/2015 04:40:10 am

My heart goes out to you with my love,on this special day. This day will be always important for you…. Zane is no longer physically with you but he will always be in your thoughts and this is a very important way of being alive…t I can't imagine how hurtful can be such a big loss but I am sure you are a strong woman and you have all our support (even if we don't personally know you!). Our thoughts and prayers are with you. Love.

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Jess
21/10/2015 05:10:52 am

I've been following your story, since learning about it at Brooklands and it brings me to tears every time. Your husband's video was so poignant and your letter on your darling son's 9th birthday so powerful, despite the tragedy. PLEASE keep finding the strength to keep fighting: I am appalled that you were called 'hideous' for seeking the truth. And know that Zane will be looking down on you with such pride and admiration. Thank you for your ongoing efforts.

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Claire Cookson
21/10/2015 05:12:40 am


You are always in my thoughts and heart Nicole and Kye, today especially. You are both incredible and we are all behind you in your fight for the truth. Much love x x

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Susan Thomas
21/10/2015 05:20:26 am

Dearest Nicole and Kye
I've just read your letter. Keep fighting. You know you're the very opposite of hideous and what a hideous Barrister for calling you that. You know Zane would be so proud of you, for fighting for justice like this. Stay strong and keep going. My heart goes out to you today. Happy Birthday, Zane. Your memory lives on.

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Valerie Radford
21/10/2015 05:33:41 am

Thinking'of Zane today with extra special thoughts. Every time I drive over Chertsey bridge I think of you and the dreadful anguish you are having. It's about time the guilty owned up. Valerie Shepperton.

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Theresa Spencer
21/10/2015 05:44:34 am

As a grandmother of a nine year old boy whom I adore, the loss of Zane must be indescribable. Even worse to know what killed him but to get lied to consistently about the cause of Zane's death. What sort of country do we live in when a child's death is treated so badly. Good luck in all of your efforts to get to the truth.

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Marianne Baddiley link
21/10/2015 06:15:51 am

Stay strong. Win! Nam myoho renge kyo

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Brenda Austin
21/10/2015 06:21:45 am

Nicole, thinking of you at this difficult time. We pray that one day you get the truth you so deserve. We all miss Zane terribly seeing his happy face every morning at school xx

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Daniel Dominick link
21/10/2015 06:36:57 am

Do not let those evil scum grind you down. Just remember that those in power in this country are as evil & corrupt as the worst dictatorships in the world, sad to say that people only accept it when that evil disregard for the life of their own people visits their door. I am really, really sorry that it has visited you in the way it has. Be strong & know that there are millions of people behind you & praying for you in your fight for the truth

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Danielle
21/10/2015 06:55:51 am

Thank you for sharing those sentiments given to you about the shipwreck. I shall pass it on because it is so true. I hope it is a comfort to you that so many people are on your side. Thank you for your efforts in finding the truth about Zane, it will help many people.

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Sue Northedge
21/10/2015 07:00:10 am

My heart is with you on this tragically sad day. Never give up. We are with you all the way

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Jan
21/10/2015 07:02:17 am

So very sorry that this happened. Common sense proves it wasn't carbon monoxide, they would have found that immediately. Stay strong, fight for what's right so that you get the truth you need and hopefully save others from the same suffering. Know that there are those near and far who care. You will see Zane again and hold him in your arms, that day will come. xx

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Nick
21/10/2015 07:15:14 am

What can I say, my heart goes out to you in your fight for the truth. I hope you can take some solace in all these messages of support. Stay strong xxx

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Dianne
21/10/2015 07:47:44 am

Patience, courage and strength to you both.xxx

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Liz berry
21/10/2015 07:48:56 am

Thinking of your family today on Zanes 9th birthday x

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Natalie Power
21/10/2015 08:15:33 am

Thinking of you Nicole snd Kye. You have been through so much and have remained so strong. Happy Birthday to dearest Zane. Keep fighting and stay strong x

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Sr. Margaret Correa
21/10/2015 08:22:53 am

All will be well ! I assure you of my prayers. The God of mercy & compassion Loves Zane & is on his side.

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Emma
21/10/2015 08:57:39 am

I haven't stopped thinking about you, your husband and Zane ever since I heard your story at Reclaim the Power. The way the council are behaving is disgusting. You deserve an investigation.

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Pat B
21/10/2015 10:12:39 am

Keep fighting! our thoughts and prayers are with you

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Caroline Goodwin
21/10/2015 10:55:15 am

You and Kye are immensely brave. I feel so sad and angry that the authorities have made this so difficult for you. Keep fighting the truth will out x

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Sandra Zuccaro
21/10/2015 11:00:55 am

Your loss was so very tragic and should never have happened. I hope you remain strong to continue your fight to the bitter end to find out the truth. There are so many people behind you. xxx

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Julie & Ken Mitchell
21/10/2015 11:19:27 am

Thinking of you on Zanes birthday & always. Keep up the fight. xx

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Richard Dennis
21/10/2015 11:35:07 am

Keep up the fight so that it will not happen to others.

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lise
21/10/2015 11:45:13 am

thinking of you

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peter mcginy
21/10/2015 02:38:37 pm

such a sad time im sure. our thoughts are with you ..This area NEEDS to be thoroughly investigated. I live in Spelthorne, I have done windsurfing on the nearby lake !!! could I have been subject to the same fate as your family ?there are far too many questions to be ignored, you have me support,, good luck ..

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Deb
21/10/2015 03:02:37 pm

A lovely piece from your friend, I hope that these councilors will one day soon find the same strength and dignity that you and Kye have demonstrated, and stop this injustice once and for all.Remembering a special little boy. Sending my love, you are in my thoughts.

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Catherine & Winston Weir
21/10/2015 04:26:29 pm

So sad and at the same disgusted to hear that you still have no answers . There needs to be accountability for the decisions and also the cover up. We know you will both keep fighting for the truth for Zane . God Bless

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Liz Setterfield
21/10/2015 04:50:05 pm

Thinking of you.

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sorry
21/10/2015 05:01:04 pm

My thoughts of with you ..Be Strong and keep fighting we are all with you and may the lord guide you xxx

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Carole Barnes
21/10/2015 05:17:56 pm

Although I don't know you I have followed your story ... I just can't imagine how you feel right now but I do know Zane"s spirit is giving you the strength to fight his cause ... Please stay strong the whole community and surrounding boroughs are supporting you... God bless you and your family ... Namaste

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Sue Gooding
21/10/2015 10:07:56 pm

Thinking of you and your family on this poignant day and Happy 9th Birthday Zane. Out of tragedy you will one day win justice in Zanes memory, that will be his lasting legacy.

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Siobhan Wakefield
22/10/2015 05:33:11 am

Thinking of you as another anniversary passes you by. I cannot imagine the pain you go through every day and admire your strength and courage to fight for the truth and the answers you deserve xxx

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Sue
22/10/2015 09:14:57 am

So sad for you and your family - keep fighting x

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Lucy Longman
22/10/2015 09:40:33 am

I would just like to say how proud I think Zane would be of his lovely family for fighting his course.
And how much we miss him around at school and in the local comunity.
I feel blessed that we know Zane from playgroup to Lyne and then again at St George's, boys alway speak fondly of Zane and so we believe he is watching over us playing to.
Keep strong.
Lucyx

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Natasha Gardiner
23/10/2015 05:04:51 am

Never give up; and know that others stand along side you and will try and help get the answers you are seeking. What are the Councillors, the MP doing? I hope they are doing their jobs as your elected representatives. Stay strong.

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Gill
23/10/2015 02:32:12 pm

I also think of little zane as I drive past your house. I hope the authorities realise that only full investigation and disclosure is acceptable. Good luck with your work.

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haden
24/10/2015 11:15:46 am

what a heart rending and most terrible account, we are all so sadden by this more than sad death ,mainly due to others greed

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Ann
23/10/2015 03:15:29 pm

Never give up the fight until you have the truth. You have an army of people behind you supporting you. We are with you. I hope it helps you to know this.

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Lorna Bennett
24/10/2015 04:49:33 am

A deeply moving letter of a mother's grief and love. Love conquers all. I truly believe that the truth will come out. It will take the love and determination of Zane's mom and dad to make it happen. They will. Zane has already touched so many of us and he will continue to do so and affect many more people. Yes, we should stand up with Zane's mom and dad for this cause.

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Julietta Cochrane
2/12/2015 07:46:07 am

I tried to come and meet you at Friends House sometime last year and finally I met Kye and I think I saw you at the Climate March ....

Of course, so sorry that we ever had to ... I have put Kye in touch with Ian R Crane who is an ex oil man and made 'Voices from the Gaslands which is on youtube.

None of this of course helps with the desperate sadness but just so that there may be some small tiny bit of solace in knowing that some know the absolute wrongness in the way you have been treated and are willing to support you ...

Sending love and all power to you and Kye ... may Zane's memory live on ...

veetmaya

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Nargess gharani
5/12/2015 08:09:56 am

I am so sorry for your loss. Sadly I have no words that can really bring comfort. The only thing I believe is unday you will be together again. The council is a joke and the brainless heartless baraster is a hideous fool. ❤️

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